Someone throw me a lifevest!!!!

Last year I turned 30. While some people seem traumatized over turning 30, I didn’t have a problem with it and embraced it with open arms. I can’t say the same this year. Tomorrow I turn 31. It is depressing the crap out of me and I want to just skip the entire day altogether.

There are a few different reasons for my new attitude. First, I am not where I wanted to be by the time I turned 31. As a result, I’m throwing myself a great big pity party.

The differences between last year and this year:

Last year -After dealing with infertility for almost 6 years, I was starting injection treatments in hopes of finally conceiving. This year- Not only do I not have a newborn, but Hubby is no longer “on the baby train.” This means no more treatments, so no more synthetic hormones making me feel sane and human.

Last year- I was up to my eyeballs in Graduate school and loving every moment of it. I was studying something I love and am passionate about, while humoring fantasies of graduation and being an instructor of some kind to share my knowledge and passion with others. This year- I graduated, with Distinction, and while I am proud of the accomplishment, I am feeling rather lost and confused now. There are no deadlines, no homework, no research, no enriching discussions over various texts or criticisms… and no fulfilling job, even though I’ve applied EVERWHERE… see next on the list.

Last year- While in school I was doing daycare and I loved it. It allowed me the time to focus on school, keep up with demands of household tasks, yet still have an income to contribute to the finances. Plus, if I’m being honest, it filled the part of me in mourning over not having a baby of my own. This year- I’ve applied for every online English adjunct position on the internet. I’ve submitted to both nearby community college adjunct pools. I’ve applied for various administrative positions I’ve come across, even though it doesn’t have a damn thing to do with what I want to do, but it’s a paycheck.

I’m lost right now. The same week, I graduated from school and lost my daycare baby. The two things that gave me a distraction- something to entertain my brain- are now gone. While I used to be able to shift between the Mom/Wife/Homekeeper part of me and the Student me and the Daycare me….. Now I’m left with just the Mom/Wife/Homekeeper me and there are gaping holes where the rest of me was. I’ve deflated. The emotional bond I had with Baby K is jagged and raw with her gone, reopening wounds left by infertility. The part of me that I threw into school is now desperate for a teaching job where I can interact with people over literature and theory. The Wife part of me is freaking-the-f@#$ out over the hit to our finances by me losing my income, anxious over bills and house payments, and making myself physically ill as a result. The Mom part of me has totally shut down because of recent issues with my not so darling daughters that have left me questioning my parenting and feeling like shit. The Homekeeper part of me is thrilled with the time to clean relentlessly without distraction, and at first I did, but the rest of me is so miserable I just don’t care at the moment.

I really hope that something changes soon, because I’m treading water here, and my legs are getting very tired.