Someone throw me a lifevest!!!!

Last year I turned 30. While some people seem traumatized over turning 30, I didn’t have a problem with it and embraced it with open arms. I can’t say the same this year. Tomorrow I turn 31. It is depressing the crap out of me and I want to just skip the entire day altogether.

There are a few different reasons for my new attitude. First, I am not where I wanted to be by the time I turned 31. As a result, I’m throwing myself a great big pity party.

The differences between last year and this year:

Last year -After dealing with infertility for almost 6 years, I was starting injection treatments in hopes of finally conceiving. This year- Not only do I not have a newborn, but Hubby is no longer “on the baby train.” This means no more treatments, so no more synthetic hormones making me feel sane and human.

Last year- I was up to my eyeballs in Graduate school and loving every moment of it. I was studying something I love and am passionate about, while humoring fantasies of graduation and being an instructor of some kind to share my knowledge and passion with others. This year- I graduated, with Distinction, and while I am proud of the accomplishment, I am feeling rather lost and confused now. There are no deadlines, no homework, no research, no enriching discussions over various texts or criticisms… and no fulfilling job, even though I’ve applied EVERWHERE… see next on the list.

Last year- While in school I was doing daycare and I loved it. It allowed me the time to focus on school, keep up with demands of household tasks, yet still have an income to contribute to the finances. Plus, if I’m being honest, it filled the part of me in mourning over not having a baby of my own. This year- I’ve applied for every online English adjunct position on the internet. I’ve submitted to both nearby community college adjunct pools. I’ve applied for various administrative positions I’ve come across, even though it doesn’t have a damn thing to do with what I want to do, but it’s a paycheck.

I’m lost right now. The same week, I graduated from school and lost my daycare baby. The two things that gave me a distraction- something to entertain my brain- are now gone. While I used to be able to shift between the Mom/Wife/Homekeeper part of me and the Student me and the Daycare me….. Now I’m left with just the Mom/Wife/Homekeeper me and there are gaping holes where the rest of me was. I’ve deflated. The emotional bond I had with Baby K is jagged and raw with her gone, reopening wounds left by infertility. The part of me that I threw into school is now desperate for a teaching job where I can interact with people over literature and theory. The Wife part of me is freaking-the-f@#$ out over the hit to our finances by me losing my income, anxious over bills and house payments, and making myself physically ill as a result. The Mom part of me has totally shut down because of recent issues with my not so darling daughters that have left me questioning my parenting and feeling like shit. The Homekeeper part of me is thrilled with the time to clean relentlessly without distraction, and at first I did, but the rest of me is so miserable I just don’t care at the moment.

I really hope that something changes soon, because I’m treading water here, and my legs are getting very tired.

Yup, screwed it up already. But I was watching basketball, and going to court, and getting my drink on, and getting inked! Oh, and then there's Beowulf.

It was what, three weeks ago that I vowed to blog weekly? But I didn't last week. Shit. At least this time I have stuff to blog about. For starters, last Tuesday Hubby and I took the girls to the Syracuse game. At the time they were the #1 team in the country. It was alright, but I still would rather have been at a football game.

Then, last Wednesday was adoption day! It has been a long time coming for Hubby to adopt J (older daughter). He has been her Daddy for over 10 years, and now it is legal. I've been in front of that judge more times than I can count, but this time he was wearing regular clothes and laughing and talking about reading Dr. Seuss books to his granddaughter's class at school. He even had J and M both sign the adoption papers, and he gave J and teddy bear. She is thrilled to have the same last name as the rest of the family and even had to take a copy of the certificate to school.

THEN, as if the week hadn't been eventful enough, Hubby and I had a child free night Friday. J was invited to spend the night with her best friend and go see a band at the local VFW. M was invited to go have a sleepover at her "boyfriend's" house. (Mind you, they have been BF/GF since the second week of kindergarten and are now half way through second grade). Sooo, big one was at a bar and younger was sleeping at boyfriend's. Yup, I'm mother of the freaking year!! Hubby and I went out for dinner at Chili's. The El Nino margarita is tasty.



AND THEN...I got my first tattoo Saturday night. I went to see Scott @ Stiehl's Body Modification in Ithaca. It wasn't terrible, but it obviously didn't feel good. It took just under two hours.

The outline was tolerable and I felt more vibration than anything else. Except at the very bottom of the book closer to the bone. And the back near the Achilles tendon. Those required a couple deep breaths. Hubby did a good job talking to me and keeping me distracted.

The color was a little less fun. Bigger needles and all, so it required a bit more of a distraction. Besides hubby, I also brought Nicky (his sis, my bf of 15 yrs!!). She got an impromptu nose piercing, then came upstairs to watch me suffer   hold me down keep me entertained while I had to sit still.

The color on the book was the worst part, since it was already a sensitive spot the first time through. Going over it repeatedly layering colors and using the fat color needle almost cost Scott an arm   was hell  was not fun. I think I may have made some faces, and some Lamaze breathing was necessary for a minute or two. I think the only thing that saved Scott got me through at the end was that I was so focused on the fact that I was STARVING!! and I knew the sooner it was over with, the sooner I could go eat.

This is the completed tat. His name is Webster. And no, he is not sitting on a dictionary.

Yes, I have officially solidified my place in the world of nerds, by permanently branding a bookworm to my outside right ankle. On the brighter side, I was told my skin likes ink, which is no surprise for anyone who has ever seen my father. Apparently I used all my pain tolerance getting him put on because he is driving me crazy now. I need him to hurry up and heal so he will stop irritating me. I love my worm, and Scott did an amazing job, but I will not be in a big rush to get more ink.

So, as you can see, I didn't blog last week because I was so very busy!!!!! I made up for it, right? If not, I always have the excuse that I was too busy reading Beowulf and writing essays for class....

Selective Stupidity

After spending time over Christmas break with my eleven year old daughter, her already-been-dumped-boyfriend, and a couple nieces, I’ve made an amazing discovery. There is a very disturbing trend being taken up by tweens everywhere. This movement starts with a process I like to refer to as “social dumbening” and results in the life-altering disability referred to as Selective Stupidity.

Anyone who has walked through a mall on a Saturday afternoon has seen and heard the effects of this puberty induced change. Symptoms vary greatly, but many are common and universal. “Social dumbening” is not as obvious to family members, as it only takes place when tween is around peers. Here, signs of Selective Stupidity show, yet they haven’t taken hold enough to show all the time.

The most obvious sign that Selective Stupidity has set in can be found by merely listening to the vocabulary choices of the adolescent. For Example, the word “sweet” is used to describe everything from a piece of candy to an impressive car. It is also proclaimed in response to a high video game score or getting extra change at a register. Ailing adolescents often refer to everyone as “dude.” The repetitive use of the word “like” is also indicative (think “Valley-girl-speak”).

Let’s give an example- The very first time I met my daughter J’s (not anymore) boyfriend was at 6:40 am on a Tuesday morning. The weather was terrible and school had been canceled. He left the bus stop to come knock on my door and when I opened it, he mumbled “Dude, Is J coming to school today or what?” After recovering from the shock of being called Dude by a thirteen year old boy I had never seen before, I pointed out to poor dumb boy that 1. Calls had gone out almost an hour ago declaring it a snow day and J had long since gone back to bed and 2. Even if there had been school, he would have missed the bus as a result of walking down to my house to check on someone who obviously wasn’t coming. (Thankfully that relationship lasted less than a week!)

The most annoying trait of Selective Stupidity, I am unfortunate enough to be tortured with on a daily basis for my dear eleven year old daughter. It is the most basic and truest form of stupidity- that of knowing NOTHING! This describes those situations where she CHOOSES to PRETEND to be totally clueless about whatever the issue at hand is. This can be shown in her “forgetting” that she was supposed to put the milk back in the refrigerator after pouring her cereal 5 out of 6 times. Or when I go upstairs two hours after she was sent to bed to find her in bed reading (hiding it with a book light) and when I ask her why she isn’t asleep when she has to get up in six hours she says, I didn’t know I was supposed to be asleep. Let’s even go as far as to point out her standing three feet from a clock and asking what time it is, or staring at the calendar and asking what day it is.

See? Disturbing, right? Yeah. Want to know what is more disturbing? NOT EVERYONE OUTGROWS IT! Yes, you read that right. Think about it, you know at least one person who is a total dumbass still stuck in that permanent state of adolescent stupidity, right?

P.S. See!!!I found proof!!!! Teenagers 'only use 800 different words a day'

Introduction

Since my blog is wholly based on the fact that I am a mother, I thought it only fair to introduce myself and my family first.

Here are my beautiful daughters.

M (left) is seven years old and in second grade. She is a micro version of her father in looks and attitude. She is good at math, loves the outdoors, and wakes up annoyingly perky.

J (right) is eleven years old and in sixth grade. She favors her mother in appearance and passion for reading. She is very creative, good at art and hands on activities.

Here is my husband G and I at a recent family wedding. We have been together for almost eleven years, and married for seven.

My husband just graduated with a BA in Accounting and is currently researching grad schools. He works full time for the National Park Service.

I have a Bachelors in English Literature with a minor in Secondary Education. I am about to start my third semester of grad school.